The relationships we are in are a great reflection of how we feel about ourselves.
Have you ever wondered why you or people around you continue to pick the same type of partner? This is because we are in an emotional or chemical agreement with our partners. We are in agreement to give each other the emotional charge that we are familiar with and addicted to. This often happens at a subconscious level and will feel out of the realm of choice for many.
We become addicted to whatever emotion we are having regularly. Like any other addiction we will consciously and subconsciously go out of our way to get our chemical hit. So every thought produces a chemical in the body. The body adapts to this chemical and will ask for it over and over again. The same as for a person addicted to heroin or tobacco.
Now let’s imagine that the emotional addiction is guilt, shame, anger or fear. The bodies need for this chemical hit and the way of thinking of the person will work in alignment to find a perfect partner who will be able to feed this chemistry and validate the beliefs. So a person with a high level of guilt will potentially find a partner who is addicted to blaming and not taking responsibility. The result is both parties become more entrenched in their patterns over time.
So how does this change? Firstly through realizing that we are indeed responsible for the situations we are in. If they can’t improve or change than we are responsible to resolve the relationship and move on. If the relationship simply reflects our own internal chemical addictions then they are a great avenue for self-awareness. Ask yourself – what emotions am I having regularly with my partner? What beliefs and thoughts underlie these emotions? You are just about free the moment that you take charge and acknowledge that these thoughts and feelings belong to you. Because how you think and feel is very personal to you, you are able to change it at your will. You are more than 50% along the way to change.
The next phase of change is breaking this chemical addiction with your partner. You can do this overtly and discuss with your partner what you have noticed about the emotional patterns between you and plan change. Or you can simple make different choices personally and act out a new way of being with your partner. This is also liberating for them as it allows them the opportunity to change and step into a new chemistry. If they choose not to go along with the change, they can sometime feel unsatisfied if you do go with change. This is because they are no longer able to get their chemical hit. If they are addicted to anger and when you no longer engage in any victim roles they will begin to feel unsatisfied. They will say things like they don’t know you anymore. Something doesn’t feel right and they will continue to invite you back into familiar patterns of relating. When you hold your ground in this process, they will either change with you or they won’t. If they do then your relationship is destined for great improvement.
One of the greatest aspects of relationships is growing together. If we continue in familiar emotional habits with our partners we don’t tend to experience any new thoughts or feelings. Over time this can become a problem because we are no longer stimulated. This is sometime what results in a “midlife crisis” where one of the couple suddenly needs to make dramatic changes in order to feel alive and have new emotions. Then suddenly the new sports car or another partner starts to look interesting.
The key to all of this is become self-aware of emotional patterns, to take charge of these and clear within yourself any thoughts and feelings you are holding on to. Then act out and take on different roles with your partner and let them in on the process of change you are going through. For example your partner complains that you don’t do something to their liking, instead of reacting angrily with all the ways they don’t do things to your liking, you decide to stop and listen to what they have to say. You care that they are feeling this way and you let them know that is not your intention. You discuss how you can come to a mutual agreement about how this can unfold in the future and you go for win win. Because this is a new role, such as the ‘peaceful negotiator’ rather than the ‘reactive defender’ it will have a whole other emotional chemistry to it and you will feel differently. The more you act out any of these roles the more they simple become you. You form new habits and create a new life.
Marianne Love